It's Cowboy Steve

Vic Toews A-OK with torture interrogation

2012-02-07T14:30:00.000-05:00

The government has directed Canada's spy agency to use information that may have been extracted through torture. Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has told CSIS the government now expects the spy service to use information derived from torture in cases where public safety is at stake.

In related news, a man in police custody in Syria confessed to the murders of Jimmy Hoffa, Leon Trotsky and JFK after his testicles were wired to a car battery. He also admitted to killing the Russian royal family and making crop circles.

Answers to many questions should be forthcoming

Conservative MP wants ruling on definitions of "human being" and "asshat"

2012-02-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

OTTAWA - A Conservative Party backbencher has introduced a private member's seeking a study on whether fetuses are "human beings" under Canadian law. The MP also wants to study and "reform" Canada's 400-year-old legal definition of "asshat".

"Do you become a human being at birth? When do some of us become asshats?"

John Baird: Nazis were bad guys

2012-02-05T18:16:00.000-05:00

TEL AVIV - Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird implied in a speech that Nazis weren't the great guys some people made them out to be. Mr. Baird claimed that their leader even wrote a book about their philosophies and plans.

Baird is due to leave Israel soon, joining Prime Minister Cowboy Steve in China. A Canadian Foreign Affairs attaché said Canada's chief diplomat has been eagerly looking forward to visiting the many fine porcelain shops. "He's stoked. Wildly enthusiastic about those China shops!"

Prime Minister announces new naval base for London, Ontario

2012-02-04T03:39:00.001-05:00

LONDON - Taking the sting out of the recent closure of the Electromotive plant, the Prime Minister announced Friday that London will be the site of the Navy’s new headquarters and largest naval shipyard. London's new military command centre will oversee operations of Canadian Fleet Atlantic, responsible for the operation and readiness of the Atlantic fleet. The Canadian Task Group Centre in London will be the home base for any East Coast deployment of ships to military exercises or operations. The new Ontario base will have the ability to protect Canadian waters while boosting employment in Canada’s shipbuilding sector.

When a local Opposition MP pointed out that London was located on a small unnavigable river 2,000 kilometres from the Atlantic Ocean, the Prime Minister answered "I'm trying to run the country without you extremists standing in the way of progress".

"I want the people of London to know that I'm standing right behind them, and I'll stand behind them 24/7. Well, maybe not when they're standing naked in the shower. That would make everyone feel a little awkward"

Peter MacKay marries singer Madonna

2012-01-05T00:53:00.000-05:00

Federal Minister of Defence married American singer and actress Madonna Ciccone in a quiet ceremony over the New Year's weekend. After a whirlwind and clandestine courtship, the couple tied the knot at a Gander, NL fishing camp owned by Rob Crosbie. The newlyweds were whisked away in a Cormorant search-and-rescue helicopter to then board a Canadian Forces Challenger flight to somewhere really expensive and far, far away.

The Minister purportedly felt "like a sturgeon"

Peter MacKay named to Mile High Club

2011-12-16T12:36:00.001-05:00

Air Canada has awarded the jet-setting Minister of Defence membership in the prestigious 'Mile High Club'. A staffer said the department was proud that the Minister received the honour from Canada's largest air carrier, and that it was "long overdue".

Ministry insiders later discovered that the award wasn't exactly a part of a loyalty programme, but still "well-deserved recognition".

The award was accompanied with a bottle of champagne and a cigar

Peter MacKay's critics say $1450 excessive for hookers

2011-12-15T15:10:00.002-05:00

OTTAWA - Critics of Peter MacKay charged that the Defence Minister's expenses at an overseas security conference in 2010 were out of line. Canadian Taxpayers' Association spokesman Barney McMillan of Halifax claimed that a reasonably priced Euro-hooker should cost approximately $500, not almost $1500.

McMillan added "For that kind of money, we believe that twins had to be involved , possibly midgets."

MacKay was in the men's room and unavailable for comment.

"Ich will dich stark ficken. Gruppendiskont"

Prime Minister pulls out of Kyoto, Kyoto feels frustrated and used

2011-12-13T10:18:00.003-05:00

OTTAWA - Reading from a teleprompter, Minister of the Environment Peter Kent announced that the Prime Minister is pulling out of Kyoto. Former meat puppet Kent added that Canada would practise abstinence from future climate treaties, and that a proper courtship would take place in the future. "There will be no more drinking and hopping into the sack with the first treaty that comes along. Treaties always look good at 2:00 am, but considerably less so after you sober up."

A frustrated Kyoto could not be reached for comment, but sources say the climate pact feels confused, hurt, and feels the need to take a shower. "A gentleman would have worn a condom and seen things through."

Despite pressure to follow the crowd, Cowboy Steve is prepared to 'go it alone'

MP Peter Goldring refuses to blow, job in jeopardy

2011-12-06T00:35:00.001-05:00

The Prime Minister’s Office has confirmed Edmonton MP Peter Goldring has voluntarily withdrawn from caucus after the MP for Edmonton East was charged with refusing to take a breathalyzer test early Sunday following a perogy fundraiser.

The charge brings an immediate 24-hour licence suspension then a grace period, followed by a three-month licence suspension. If convicted, Goldring would face some nasty shit, and possibly forced to resign. That scenario would likely pave the way to a seat in the Senate.

A source close to the government said that since Goldring is not in cabinet, he's not eligible to use military aircraft to commute to his job.

"Not sure of the mandatory minimum for this one, I'll have to call Nicholson"

Aide: Prime Minister's hairpiece made in China

2011-12-02T16:10:00.002-05:00

OTTAWA - A former aide to Prime Minister Cowboy Steve said today that the leader's hairpiece was made in China. The PMO staffer, who left the government in July, also asserted that the piece was 'prêt-à-porter', rather than custom made.

"Honest to God, with all his money, power and status you think he'd want the best. Instead he wears something that looks like he fished it out of the shower drain. If I were him, I'd look at buying a luxury rug, like the Shatner 3000."

Budgetary challenges affect all departments, starting at the top

Conservative MPs Call On Government To Ban The Export of Nickelback

2011-11-23T13:09:00.001-05:00

OTTAWA - A growing number of Conservative MPs are questioning their government's position on the export of Nickelback.

Solid caucus discipline has been one of Cowboy Steve's political achievements over six years in power. While open revolt over Nickelback hasn't erupted, clear faultlines over government resistance to having the band listed as hazardous internationally suggest the prime minister may be forced to deal with a rare case of internal dissent.

The first public cracks in the Conservative party line came when five Tory MPs broke ranks and abstained from an NDP vote that would have banned Nickelback exports. One MP, speaking off the record, said "To call them shitty is an insult to shitty bands everywhere. Not only does Nickelback suck polar bears, but Canada is being mocked internationally. This band actually makes Guns'n'Roses sound good! "

Some Conservative defenders of the much-maligned band pointed out that Nickelback has sold tens of millions of CDs. Douglas Craig answered that "97% of those buyers are guys with mullets, and the remaining 3% just have their ears up their ass. We've educated the public on so many safety hazards over the years. People need to understand the facts quite clearly. Nickelback blows, and nothing will ever change that."

This generation's Grand Funk Railroad?

Huntsville tops The Economist's 2011 list of "World's Most Livable City''

2011-11-21T20:20:00.001-05:00

The small Ontario resort town Huntsville was named The Economist's "World's Most Livable City", displacing last year's winner Melbourne, Australia.

Huntsville earned the citation thanks to an abundance of federally-provided first-rate facilities, excellent gazebos and other park structures, sidewalk and tree upgrades, brand-new public toilets, state-of-the-art trash receptacles, arenas, parking lots, and municipal buildings. It does not take into account climate, the cost of living, or the fact that Huntsville isn't really even a city.

"...and Baird said we can pave the whole fucking place if we want."

Toronto school bans globes, says Earth is flat

2011-11-16T17:42:00.001-05:00

The principal of Earl Batty Public School banned spheres of all types this week when a parent suffered a concussion after being hit in the head with a globe. "We're now teaching that the Earth is flat. And that Rob Ford and dinosaurs walked the Earth together," said Principal Alice Castrado.

The globe hit the parent right in the coconut, witnesses report

Toronto bike lanes to be scrapped in favour of single occupancy vehicle lanes

2011-11-02T22:13:00.000-04:00

Prime Minister: Shoot your guns Canada!

2011-10-25T08:42:00.000-04:00

Backers of the PM celebrate the repeal of Canada's Long Gun Registry

Peter MacKay outed by caucus aide

2011-10-16T04:25:00.004-04:00

OTTAWA- Defense Minister Peter MacKay was today outed by a Conservative staffer. The party insider told reporters that MacKay has long been a "lesbian trapped inside the body of a man". His constituency office issued a brief statement, saying only that the minister was away fishing, and unavailable for comment.

Opposition critics were quick to claim the Minister of Defense orchestrated the news himself in a cheap attempt to bed more women

New Baird business card attracts controversy

2011-09-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

John Baird has certainly raised some eyebrows due to his new business cards.

The Conservative foreign affairs minister demanded customized business cards, contrary to government rules. Baird ordered the word "Canada" dropped from the standard design, also against federal policy.

The controversial changes initially provoked resistance from the senior foreign affairs bureaucrats who are responsible for implementing policies on government branding. But Baird stamped his feet, won a temporary exemption from the rules and got his way.

With the disappearance of the large "Canada," the biggest type on the card now is "John Baird". An anonymous source in the foreign affairs office defended his boss, noting that the new card didn't feature a cowboy hat.

Prime Minister introduces proportional representation bill

2011-09-21T20:01:00.000-04:00

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the Prime Minister today unveiled a new bill to reform Canada's 'First Past the Post' electoral system that will have its first reading next week. Since coming to power in 2006, the Tories have complained that a party with 30-40 per cent of the popular vote is able to attain 100% of the power.

"The proportional representation electoral method is far superior to our current 'first past the post' system", Cowboy Steve said today in Ottawa. "It's more democratic. The way we do it now is grossly unfair to the 60% of Canadians who didn't vote Conservative in spring's election. When you think about it, the so-called 'strong mandate' Canadians gave my government is really complete bullshit, if you'll pardon my French. The vast majority of Canadians hate us and our policies, and we're going to do our utmost to recognize and remedy that fact."

Prime Minister: "Sometimes you just have to do the right thing"

Rob Ford to attend TIFF kickoff

2011-09-08T19:22:00.002-04:00

Toronto mayor Rob Ford and his brother, co-mayor Shecky Ford will be at tonight's Toronto International Film Festival world premiere of the U2 documentary From the Sky Down. The Ford brothers have been branded 'philistines' by many for their lack of support for the arts. Shecky Ford was quick to defend the brothers' cultural cred. "We've been huge fans of Bono ever since we found out he was married to Cher. That's the coolest!"

Rob Ford: Says favourite CD is U2's All that You Can Eat

Get well and give them hell!

2011-07-25T17:48:00.000-04:00

If you don't like Jack, you don't know shit

Conservative government now monitoring unreported crime

2011-07-23T12:03:00.000-04:00

Ministry of Justice officials confirmed Friday that the government has recently started compiling statistics of unreported crimes. A spokesperson for MP Rob Nicholson told reporters "We are carefully tracking crimes that are unreported. Our ears have been kept to the ground listening for every rumour, anecdote and innuendo pertaining to unreported crime. People are murmuring, and we're carefully listening and writing stuff down, no matter how garbled, far-fetched or nonsensical it sounds. A database of unreported incidents is being compiled. We need to address the numerous hypothetical crimes."

In Ottawa, it was whispered that Public Safety Minister Vic Toews' neighbour's son-in-law might have had his new mountain bike stolen from a local park. An investigation into the possible brazen crime was launched last week.

"These are the reasons that Canadians elected the Cowboy Steve government", said Nicholson's aide. "Our citizens deserve the protection of their police and courts to probe these possible crimes that might maybe be happening. For too long, Canada's justice system has confused justice and revenge. The vast majority of Canadians know them to be the same thing."

Tories getting tough on the hypothetical

Rob Ford to miss Gay Pride Parade, will blow Toronto for the weekend

2011-06-22T19:41:00.000-04:00

Mayor Rob Ford will break a longstanding tradition and not attend next weekend's Gay Pride Parade. Mayor's Office spokesman Morgan Tassels said the mayor will be blowing the city for the holiday.

"I'm sorry I'm gonna miss it. I love pressing the

flesh and rubbing shoulders with my constituents."

Prime Minister picks Bruins to win it all

2011-06-09T01:02:00.000-04:00

Canada's biggest hockey fan is weighing with his take on hockey's Stanley Cup finals. Cowboy Steve has declared that he backs the Boston Bruins to win Lord Stanley's silverware. The PM flew to New England and bought last minute tickets from an events broker known simply as Big Luigi. "I paid a bit of a premium, but it was well worth it.

"Don Cherry told me that the Boston team is loaded with good Canadian kids, like Zdeno Chára, Tim Thomas and Tomas Kaberle. Great talents. These past two games have been amazing. Who doesn't like good, clean hockey? And solid teamwork. As the vast majority of Canadian hockey fans know, there is no "I" in "bandwagon"!"

Longtime Calgary Flames fan Cowboy Steve is cheering for the Boston Bruins to bring the Cup back home to Canada

Ontario Tories promise to force manual labour on MPPs if they win election

2011-05-26T23:38:00.000-04:00

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.

Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.

In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said.

"MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker at the same time we do — after a good day's work," Hudak said.

"By putting MPPs to work, the taxpayers dollars that used to be spent for that work would be spent on law-abiding citizens and benefits that matter to all of us, like health care," he said. "I'm not asking MPPs to do anything more than what hard-working Ontario families do each and every day — and that is, go to work."

Prime Minister welcomes new Tory benchwarmers to Ottawa

2011-05-08T22:34:00.001-04:00

Cowboy Steve, once likening "backbenchers" to "benchwarmers" invited several of the party's newest MPs out for some baseball followed by a trip to a massage parlour.

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

Prime Minister adamant Soudas affair won't affect campaign

2011-04-22T13:04:00.000-04:00

"Canadians don't give a shit about these kinds of things. They care only about the economy. That and a large double double. And little sour peach candies."

Conservatives target ethnic vote

2011-04-14T18:16:00.002-04:00

Here's your chance to be just like one of us!

We're counting on you people!

(Nous l'aimons quand vous nettoyez nos maisons.

Nous avons besoin de votre voix. Merci.)

Prime Minister unveils new promise at leadership debate

2011-04-12T09:15:00.001-04:00

"If you don't vote for me, I will barbecue this cat"

Prime Minister: "Debates are for losers"

2011-04-02T02:11:00.001-04:00

At a campaign stop today in New Brunswick, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve clarified his stance on a proposed one-on-one debate with Liberal Party leader Michael Ignatieff. The Conservative Party leader told his audience "I don't believe in debate as a worthwhile forum for presenting ideas and policy. I'd much rather address Canadians during our comprehensive daily question and answer sessions. I was on the debating team at school and I speak from experience. Most people ridiculed us, and we never, ever got laid. Next question, please."

Debating can cause a lifetime of frustration and self-abuse

Prime Minister says coalition is like a sex orgy

2011-03-31T13:28:00.001-04:00

Today the Prime Minister called the coalition "a sex orgy with multiple partners". Campaigning in Halifax, Cowboy Steve said he would be firmly against such a public coalition.

"Let me be clear about this: the majority of Canadians are like me. This type of activity is meant to be conducted in private by oneself. Group sex is for losers. And swingers. We're against any party with more than one participant."

Staying on the topic of sex, the Prime Minister went on to explain the real reason Belinda Stronach and Helena Guergis were not welcome in the Tory caucus. "Hot looking women have no place in a Conservative government."

Prime Minister: "Trust me. The last thing you want to see is a naked Conservative"

Hudak resigns, joins cast of "Two and a Half Men"

2011-03-09T20:04:00.002-05:00

Erstwhile Ontario Tory leader Tim Hudak shocked everyone at today's Queen's Park session when he unexpectedly tendered his resignation. Hudak has been tabbed as Charlie Sheen's replacement on the popular television sitcom "Two and a Half Men", seen weekly on the CBS network. Provincial Conservatives are left scrambling to name a successor soon, with an election looming later this year.

The show, currently on hiatus, will resume production next month. Hudak will play the new lead character Randy Lichtenfelter, a skirt-chasing small-market weatherman with a dark forboding past. Hijinks and hilarity ensue. Jon Cryer will continue in his role as the pathetic sidekick Alan. His son will now be played by sitcom veteran Norm McDonald. .

A party insider told CTV that Hudak will be replaced on an interim basis by the annoying old man from the TD Canada Trust commercials.

...and that's a wrap!

Prime Minister takes ownership of Canadian government

2011-03-06T00:15:00.002-05:00

The "Government of Canada" is no more.

Public servants from four different departments have confirmed to The Canadian Press that they received a directive that the words "Government of Canada" in federal communications be replaced with "I'm Cowboy Steve and this is my Oligarchy."

The minister in charge of the public service, Treasury Board President Stockwell Day, couldn't understand the fuss.

"If you think you're on to something that is going to ignite people from coast to coast in a fury of rage, maybe we'll look at it," Day told CBC News. "All men strive to have something named after them. We've got McCarthyism, the Heimlich manoeuvre and personally I'm trying to get the rights to "Day Time Running Lights".

New federal government letterhead logo

Prime Minister working to get Canadians in Libya home

2011-02-28T12:08:00.003-05:00

The Prime Minister today announced a bold new plan to retrieve Canadians remaining abroad in crisis-torn Libya. "The wheels are already in motion" said Cowboy Steve.

Canada will pick up the tab to get its citizens home, not including gratuities. For fast reliable service in clean cabs with friendly, professional drivers call 416.397.3673

Bev Oda vindicated

2011-02-23T09:52:00.001-05:00

Not only was Conservative MP for Durham Bev Oda exonerated of all accusations, she was quickly rewarded with a newly-created cabinet post. There was an announcement from the PMO that Cowboy Steve has named Oda to serve as Canada's Solicitor of Urban Areas. Oda's first priority will be to create more jobs in this sector of the economy.

A triumphant Bev Oda reports for work at the corner of Parkdale Avenue and Wellington Street. An assistant said Oda would be working day and night getting the lay of the land.

Poll says Canadians believe Bev Oda did not do anything deceitful, misleading, half-witted, fraudulent, disgraceful or just plain stupid

2011-02-16T10:55:00.003-05:00

A poll taken in Ottawa shows Canadians think International Cooperation Minister Bev Oda is *not* guilty of charges by oppostion members in Parliament. A Conservative Party insider said the vast majority of Canadians agree she deserves a break from the vendetta that has dogged her recently. "A limousine trip to the spa would stop her from becoming completely unhinged. It's not like she padded her expense claims, or something really bad. She has the complete support of Cowboy Steve, who believes she's *not* a wack job."

Minister Oda is pictured *not* visiting a grow-op in her riding

Nicholson under pressure to fill prisons

2011-02-14T16:43:00.001-05:00

A spokesman for Rob Nicholson said today the Conservative Minister of Justice feels the need to increase the Canadian prison population. "We've got plans to bring more and bigger facilities online, and we need the requisite bodies to fill them", said Bill Calaboose. "The model we've adopted is that used in California, where the number incarcerated equals the enrollment in post-secondary education. Canadians tell us there is a lot of unreported crime, and we need more room to house these unreported criminals, who are every bit as dangerous as reported ones."

Corrections Canada is hoping for a culturally diverse prison population, one that mirrors our progressive society as a whole

Conservatives step up pre-election campaign

2011-02-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

Cowboy Steve and the ruling Conservatives yesterday started a pre-election mail blitz

Rob Ford Reveals Subway Alternative

2011-02-06T01:29:00.004-05:00

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford unveiled his Subway alternative today. According to Ford, the new plan can meet the demands of both the downtown and suburban populations, even during rush hours. "I can personally vouch for the tuna melt on white. Make sure you ask for extra cheese", added the mayor, a longtime connoisseur of fine fast food.

Peter MacKay tightens security on Canada - Egypt border

2011-01-30T02:49:00.001-05:00

OTTAWA - In the wake of the recent civil unrest in Egypt, Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay has unveiled strict new security measures on the shared border with Canada. MacKay said he agrees with Prime Minister Cowboy Steve's view that Egypt poses a threat to Canadian sovereignty in the far north, citing Egypt's 1967 border clashes with neighbouring Chile. "That type of aggression won't go unnoticed by Canada. Borders are borders. The vast majority of Canadians support our government's zero tolerance policy on bullying. This will be an issue in the upcoming election, an election that is being foisted on us by the Liberals and their coalition of seditious traitors, some of whom have even admitted to travelling outside of Canada's borders."

In Peter MacKay's view, Canadians need to be vigilant and alert

Prime Minister marks five years in office

2011-01-24T10:52:00.002-05:00

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve marks five years in power as Canada's big cheese, eclipsing the tenures of long-serving Conservative heavyweights Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. Party faithful gathered to celebrate the occasion, and invited guests joined in the festivities.

Cowboy Steve was presented with a joke cake by newbie MP
Julian Fantino. The boss warned "I know where you live, Kojak"

Newbie MP Fantino named to Conservative cabinet post

2011-01-05T16:00:00.004-05:00

Newbie Member of Parliament Julian "Mallcop" Fantino was named to Cowboy Steve's federal cabinet at Rideau Hall yesterday. The country's newest MP is now its newest cabinet member, the minister of state for seniors.

Cowboy Steve commented that while it's uncommon for such an inexperienced member to be chosen for a cabinet position, "Julian isn't your ordinary newbie. His lack of experience alarms most people, but his time spent fighting ~~the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms~~ unreported crime will serve us well. Canada's seniors would best be advised to watch out. He's not intimidated by them."

A jubilant Fantino can hardly contain his glee at the swearing-in ceremony. The newbie MP said it was the happiest moment and highlight of his entire career in Parliament.

Prime Minister announces appointment of dead NFL announcer to Senate

2010-12-21T00:02:00.000-05:00

In Ottawa today, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve named famous football personality Don "Dandy Don" Meredith to a new position in the Canadian Senate. "I am pleased to announce the appointment of Don Meredith to the Senate of Canada," said Cowboy Steve. "He is well-regarded and a visible figure in his community who will bring a wealth of experience to his new role as Senator."

When it was pointed out to the PM that Meredith was dead, the ever-cool Cowboy Steve didn't miss a beat. "He'll do just fine. Face it, we've already got a lot of stiffs in the upper house. He'll fit right in."

Meredith was an All-Pro quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys before joining ABC's Monday Night Football. Larger than life, Meredith is now larger than death. Meredith died December 5 at the age of 72. Senators face mandatory retirement at 75.

"Turn out the lights, the party's over"

Prime Minister hits caucus with his rhythm stick

2010-12-09T21:02:00.001-05:00

The party faithful thought they were attending another fat white guy Christmas party, but little did they know what was in store. Head Tory Cowboy Steve, backed by a crackerjack punk band he hired earlier in the day, entertained his ministers and staff with a rousing five-song set in Ottawa Wednesday evening.

Steve and the band opened with their cover of ChixdiggiT's iconic "I Wanna Hump You", followed by the NoFX favourite "We Threw Gasoline On The Fire And Now We Have Stumps For Arms And No Eyebrows". Cowboy Steve then paid tribute to John Lennon on the anniversary of the fallen Beatle's death with a heartfelt rendition of the classic singalong "Revolution 9".

He closed with his version of the Vegas DeMilo feelgood seasonal number "Sex Toys for Christmas". Brought back for an encore, the band bid goodnight with Puscifer's "Drunk With Power". By all accounts, the enthusiastic crowd went home satisfied.

Party Boy entertains the Conservative Caucus

Tories tab former Mallcop Fantino as Vaughan byelection candidate

2010-10-12T12:49:00.008-04:00

Former mallcop Julian Fantino has been handpicked by the Conservatives to run as the party's candidate in the upcoming federal byelecton in Vaughan, it was revealed at a press conference this morning. The erstwhile security guard has served as the top cop of the London, Toronto and OPP forces, as well as Cloverdale Mall and the Eglinton Square Shopping Centre.

At the announcement, the former retail security specialist was asked whether he will be allowed to speak freely. “The Prime Minister deals with issues as he sees them,” Mr. Fantino replied. “I know what leadership is all about … It's about doing whatever the leader says, no matter how unpopular or wacky it seems.” He added that he hoped the Conservative leader shares his strong interest in child pornography.

The former security guard is confident he can wrest Vaughan from the Liberals. “This is another journey. It’s a journey in pursuit of what I call 'the other journey', but a journey nonetheless. Just another one.” Mr. Fantino said. He praised Cowboy Steve's steadfast commitment to law and order. "I'm no homo, but I've personally seen the Prime Minister's cojones, and frankly, let me tell you they're quite impressive."

Mr. Fantino closed the announcement, saying his selection is "a proud moment for rent-a-cops everywhere". A Conservative Party insider commented "This is so exciting in two ways: We haven't had a minority candidate since Rahim Jaffer. And he's a redneck! Yee-Haw!"

Mr. Fantino's autobiography Mallcop! Click to buy

Canada's next Governor General

2010-07-08T23:41:00.006-04:00

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada's 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who "represents the best of Canada," Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada's next Governor General.

Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8. He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be "a little bit slow", making him a good candidate for a career in public service. Johnston is a voracious reader, holding a public library card since 2008.

Like previous Governors General, Johnston has a very good working knowledge of the French language. Childhood friend Terry Kirkpatrick remembers Johnston crossing the border into Quebec Saturday nights to buy cheap suds. "He told us tales of seeing the French peelers at the famous strip clubs in Montreal", added Kirkpatrick.

Divorced since the age of 52, Johnston has relied on the kindness of strangers, including a Saint John prostitute named Sylvia. It was not clear at press time whether Sylvia would accompany Johnston to Ottawa to live in Rideau Hall. Little is known of Sylvia, but police in her hometown remember her as "goodhearted" and well behaved since her last breach of probation. She sports several tattoos including the requisite tramp stamp. It is believed she has her own teeth.

Higher ups in the Conservative Party have long valued Johnston's political experience and savvy. Johnston once wrote a letter to the editor of a local weekly newspaper, and he has voted in every federal election since accidentally spoiling his ballot in 2004.

An intrepid traveler, Johnston has visited three of the four Atlantic provinces, explaining "I were pissed off when they tells me there's no goddamned bridge to Newfoundland." Johnston has taken several trips abroad to New England where he likes to visit native casinos and buy cheap smokes. Johnston follows the educational series Trailer Park Boys with great interest.

Prime Minister: "Toronto can go screw themselves, but they'll have to do it somewhere else"

2010-06-22T12:56:00.001-04:00

OTTAWA - Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. "These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like 'Pencil Neck Geek'. Then they don't vote for us. Not one goddamned seat! Well guess what. Now they can't wipe their asses without me and security seeing them. I took their city away from them for weeks. And they can't even escape to their little Huntsville cottages, because we're there too. We moved into their neighbourhood, and they're paying the freight."

Cowboy Steve extracts revenge from cool guys

"Remember, I'm watching you wipe your ass"

Rahim Jaffer implicated in Guergis pregnancy

2010-06-17T23:52:00.005-04:00

OTTAWA - At a parliamentary committee hearing, Rahim Jaffer was revealed to be the mastermind behind his wife Helena Guergis' pregnancy. Jaffer admitted to cooking up the entire scheme when it appeared that no one else would step forward to take responsibility.

A private investigator who was tailing the couple said Jaffer and Guergis were seen leaving local seafood restaurant Busty's together in the former cabinet minister's riding of Simcoe-Grey. The investigator found the receipt for the restaurant tryst, which was disclosed at the hearing. The meal consisted of two dozen Malpec oysters, a bucket of Coronas on ice and eight tequila shooters. The couple declined dessert, saying they had to go home and "feed the kitty".

Committee members promised to have Jaffer back to answer more questions. "We'd like to know more about why they were in such a hurry to leave" added chairperson Guy L'érectile. "Everybody stays for karaoke on Thursdays, and I understand Rahim does a spot-on Marie Osmond."

Flaherty: Deficit will be retired by 2011

2010-05-21T22:58:00.004-04:00

OTTAWA - Faced with record federal debt, Finance Minister Smilin' Jim Flaherty boldly predicted that the federal government's deficit will be erased within twelve months.

"We're going to sell more Senate seats. These are a hot commodity, and they'll fetch bags of money. And we get to stock the upper chamber with Cronies, Reformers and Pals (CRAP) that share our vision of a different Canada. Don't forget federal judge jobs, either. They're up for grabs too. You betcha."

Financial Post scribe Brian Cudmore commented "Why he didn't think of this before becomes the $49 billion dollar question. It all seems so obvious. And the CRAP is a really nice bonus."

Smilin' Jim: We're going to whip this thing into submission

Cowboy Steve rocks out at Sussex Drive

2010-05-20T19:08:00.004-04:00

Pierre Trudeau entertained Beatle John Lennon. Paul Martin shared a pint of Guinness with U2's Bono. Not to be outdone, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve invited Liberace impersonator George "Muffins" Eisenstein to 24 Sussex Drive.

PMO spokesman Dimitri Soudas confirmed that Cowboy Steve and the ersatz Liberace swapped licks, tickled the ivories and downed a pitcher of gin fizzes. Later they relaxed in the media room to watch the film Spartacus starring Kirk Douglas.

Cowboy Steve laughed at his critics, saying "Liberals wouldn't know good music if it pinched them in the ass. I appreciate good music. My ass is being pinched right now!"

Next month Cowboy Steve will travel to the Collingwood Elvis Festival ©

Rex Murphy new Tory spokesman

2010-05-04T14:16:00.008-04:00

OTTAWA - Federal Conservatives today named Rex Murphy spokesman for the Prime Minister's Office. In a move that surprised almost no one, the media icon will replace Dimitri Soudas, who is expected to join Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas.

Opposition MPs protested Murphy's appointment, contending that there would be a conflict of interest because of his ties to CBC and the National Post. Senator Mike Duffy came to Murphy's defence. "I was a Conservative Party mouthpiece for years and years while I still worked at CTV. The only difference in Rexy's case is that he'll actually collect a paycheque. I only got paid in bacon cheeseburgers and poutine."

Murphy has been a thorn in the sides of Liberals since his steadfast denial of crop circles, claiming that the science behind them is flawed. "Let's lay off the science unless it is science. Next thing you know, they'll say we should stop eating asbestos, or that alliteration is an altogether annoying affectation."

Murphy will join the PMO in June when his tour with Paul Simon wraps up

Jaffer testimony creates firestorm

2010-04-28T22:57:00.002-04:00

When former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer testified before the House of Commons Government Operations Committee on Parliament Hill, no one foresaw what was coming next. Committee members watched Jaffer answer the last of the committee's questions. According to witnesses, it was then that Jaffer's size 38 pants suddenly burst into flames. Ottawa firefighters were called, and thanks to their quick response Mr. Jaffer was promptly extinguished.

"Spontaneous pants combustion is rare, but it seems to happen here in Ottawa more than in other cities", said Fire Chief Alan Renshaw. All that was left of the ex-MP's unpleated trousers was a smoking pile of worsted gabardine. He was escorted through a side door to avoid the press. Paramedics reported that Jaffer was "slightly singed" but would recover very soon. One witness remarked that Jaffer's boxers sported a large, unauthorized Conservative logo. The shorts suffered water damage while his crocodile belt went unscathed.

One veteran MP said he recalled seeing pants on fire during the Mulroney-Schreiber hearings. "I believe they were a very stylish Hugo Boss. Narrow pinstripe with cuffs."

Up in smoke: Rahim Jaffer's trousers are toast

New Jaffer allegations surface

2010-04-14T13:30:00.009-04:00

Several new accusations were leveled against ex-Tory MP Rahim Jaffer in Ottawa today. Jaffer's alleged use and abuse of his wife's government office property was disclosed by the RCMP during a press briefing this morning. Sgt. Ronald Dudley, an RCMP headquarters spokesman, said that their investigation was "far from over".

It was alleged that Jaffer used Helena Guergis' government car to deliver pizzas for a local restaurant in Ottawa. The former MP had been seen late at night delivering thin-crust pizzas to homes in the Lindenlea area of Rockcliffe. He was accepting cash payments, or "bribes" in exchange for the two-for-one specials. Mounties said the pizzas were pepperoni, Hawaiian, meat lovers, and vegetarian. It was not known if Jaffer was carrying dipping sauce.

Police also learned Jaffer used Guergis' parliamentary offices after his defeat in the 2008 election, soliciting contracts with the Federal Green Infrastructure Fund for his fledgling Green Lawn Aeration Company. He approached several sitting MPs, brazenly promising "unbelievable results" from a regular lawn maintenance regime. No MPs used his service, but two Conservative cabinet ministers asked him about chinch bugs and pesticides.

On a visit to Toronto, witnesses claim Jaffer visited a strip club, handing out his Member of Parliament business cards to busty hookers. The women asked Jaffer if he had influence with the Prime Minister, and if the Prime Minister was into cigars.

The investigation continues.

Jaffer may have improperly taken advantage of his wife's position and connections to further his own business interests

Rahim Jaffer, Helena Guergis to appear on Dancing with the Stars

2010-04-08T14:45:00.003-04:00

A spokesperson for Simcoe-Grey MP Helena Guergis confirmed that the minister and her husband, former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer will appear on the popular ABC television show Dancing with the Stars. The Guergis staffer believes the media-savvy couple will advance to the finals of the competition. "They are very light on their feet. Helena can dance her ass off, and Rahim certainly knows how to charm a judge."

The roster of other celebrities taking part in the upcoming contest includes longtime Conservative Prime Ministers Joe Clark and Kim Campbell, as well as crop circle denier Rex Murphy and his partner, January 2007 Playmate of the Month Jayde Nicole.

Rahim Jaffer busts a move for Caledon OPP, September, 2009

Cowboy Steve's shortlisted choices for next Governor General announced

2010-04-04T14:37:00.006-04:00

The idiot from Nickelback with the retarded haircut

Erstwhile Pepsi Power Hour host J.D. Roberts

Olympic Gold medalist (briefly) Ben Johnson

Canadian-born skank Pamela Anderson

Boston Pizza pitchman Howie Mandel

Celebrated four-term MP Rahim Jaffer

Rich Little, D-list wannabe celebrity
Close personal chum Conrad Black

World War II expert Jim Keegstra

Annoying songbird Celine Dion

Letters to the editor: Regarding Helena Guergis

2010-03-31T09:46:00.002-04:00

Macleans.ca
Attention: ~~Liberal scum~~ Editors
Toronto, ON
Dear ~~Shit-for-brains~~ Editor:

I, ~~a devoted worshipper~~ an anonymous citizen, am writing in response to the continued media attacks on my ~~friend, boss and idol~~ Member of Parliament, Helena Guergis. I feel strongly, as do others in our ~~constituency office~~ community that Ms. Guergis represents ~~a train wreck~~ the best and the brightest ~~this shit-hole~~ Canada has produced.

In ~~the commie rag~~ Macleans, it was reported that a ~~fine, hard working, dedicated individual~~ Guergis staffer had written ~~finely crafted missives~~ letters to several newspapers defending the ~~whack job~~ MP. ~~What the hell was I thinking?~~ This is completely ~~bullshit~~ untrue. At no time did ~~I or my colleagues~~ anyone from Ms. Guergis' office communicate with ~~those weasels~~ the media regarding ~~the diva from Alliston~~ Ms. Guergis.

I think all ~~right thinking~~ Canadians would agree that our ~~crazy lady~~ wonderful MP is above reproach and should not be held up to such ~~ridicule~~ scutiny. As a call to action I put forth that all letters should be screened to ensure they are written by ~~clueless idiots~~ normal, everyday citizens like me.

Please join me in ~~ass-kissing~~ supporting our ~~self-absorbed washed-up ex-beauty queen~~ wonderful and accomplished Member of Parliament Helena Guergis~~-Jaffer~~. ~~I worship the ground she walks on and would marry her except my political party frowns on it I picture us sunbathing together in the Greek islands.~~ I truly admire and respect her.

-Anonymous NeoCon chick who does not work for (unlike the other chick who apparently does) the Minister of State for the Status of Women, the Honourable member for Simcoe-Grey. (Who I think is a really swell woman and a great boss to work for and who doesn't know I'm writing these letters defending her and her public service working her ass off for you people. You should feel damned lucky, or even blessed. I know I do.)

We print letters from our readers. Please enclose a photograph.

Colvin Afghan email leaked

2010-03-13T22:24:00.003-05:00

A high-ranking government official today confirmed that a reporter with the North Bay Nugget obtained a leaked email Richard Colvin sent to Defense Minister Peter "Banjoface" MacKay. The message could blow the lid off the Afghan detainee matter. Sections of the email have been edited for reasons of national security. It is unknown if MacKay read the email. A spokesman for the honourable Banjoface said many messages get lost because of a high volume of hair replacement and penis enlargement ads the honourable member receives on a regular basis. It is not known if the minister reads those emails. The aide went on to say Banjoface does in fact read all emails from Nigeria and chain letters.

Peter "Banjoface" MacKay addresses the media

Court comes down hard on Rahim Jaffer

2010-03-09T15:47:00.001-05:00

Former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer felt the full wrath of Ontario's Provincial Court today. Jaffer was convicted of careless driving and must pay a fine of $500. In addition, the court declared that Jaffer must also donate $500 to charity. The Parliament Hill press corps expressed shock at the severity of the sentence. Jaffer's punishment didn't surprise some, however. Senator Mike "The Shill" Duffy declared the Conservative government's law and order agenda to now be in full effect.

Conservative Justice Minister and Attorney General Rob "Taserman" Nicholson was asked if the court made an example of Jaffer when the judgment was handed down. "Not at all" answered Canada's head dick. "Criminals and felons must pay dearly for their crimes. Mr. Jaffer is no different from the rest of the lawbreakers in Canada. They must be punished."

Jaffer's wife, Tory MP Helena Guergis, was reached at the airport. She was checking through security and yelled "You bastards! You can't do this to me! Do you have any fucking idea who I am?"

Mr. Jaffer will serve his sentence at a local Starbucks.

Jim Flaherty wins Nobel Prize

2010-03-08T14:41:00.001-05:00

Finance Minister Smilin' Jim Flaherty was today honoured by the Nobel Watch Co. of New York, NY. Flaherty was awarded a fine timepiece from Nobel's Signature Collection. Nobel spokeman James Richards said Flaherty was presented with "a fabulous solid stainless steel timepiece with Swiss movement. This magnificent watch has a white dial with applied silver roman numerals. It contains a scratch resistant anti reflective sapphire crystal."

Flaherty was presented with the award to acknowledge his mastery of creative accounting, evidenced by his management of Canada's economy, and to celibrate his recent recovery from irritable bowel syndrome.

Smilin' Jim traveled to New York to accept his prize with other honourees Bernie Madoff, crop circle denier Rex Murphy and Vince, the guy from the Slap Chop commercials. Richards said that Madoff was unable to attend because of prior commitments.

Smilin' Jim Flaherty's Nobel Prize*

*Please note that the stock photo may differ from the actual product model listed above. For more product information see the brochure.

Jason Kenney's gay agenda

2010-03-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

Little is known about the private parts of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney's gay agenda. According to UBC political science professor William Garland, Jason Kenney's gay rights personal opinions differ drastically from Conservative Party and Prime Minister Cowboy Steve's official platform.

Jason Kenney's gay marriage views:
Jason Kenney's gay stategy includes legal marriage, but only to heterosexuals, thereby saving gays and lesbians from persecution.

Jason Kenney's gay supporters understand that Kenney's gay rights public image needs to be in line with Conservative Party ideology. Jason Kenney's gay constituents know that in his heart, Canada is very much an ~~intrusive~~ inclusive society when it comes to who he wants as Canadian citizens. The day will come when Jason Kenney's gay policies will come out of the closet and become a part of mainstream public life. Let's all hope that Jason Kenney's gay agenda will be more than just Jason Kenney's gay dream.

Jason Kenney's gay perspective and Cowboy Steve's: They may look alike, but it's what's inside a man that counts.

Jason Kenney comes out

2010-03-03T23:05:00.003-05:00

Citizenship and Immigration Minister Jason Kenney today came out with a response to charges that he ordered the removal of a section of the new guide for immigrants for Canadian citizenship. The section that dealt with the decriminalization of homosexual sex and recognition of same-sex marriage came out from the guide on Kenney's say-so. The guide contains no mention of gay or lesbian rights.

Kenney came out and said "We try to be inclusive. We can't mention every legal decision, every policy of the Government of Canada." Kenney came out initially with the excuse that mention of gay rights had been "overlooked".

Kenney came out and opposed same-sex marriage since he was elected to the House of Commons. In 2005 Kenney came out and said "Gays have every right to marry, as long as it isn't someone of the same sex".

Kenney came out of the closet-sized, fabulously decorated office he occupies and couldn't be reached for further comment.

Jason Kenney came out in 2005 against gay marriage, regardless of party affiliation of an honourable member.

Jim Flaherty buys his budget shoes

2010-03-02T10:40:00.001-05:00

Far from being budget shoes, Smilin' Jim's new soles set him back a cool $395. Keeping with the average Canadian's $96,000 household debt, Flaherty put the purchase on his Visa card. (Incidentally, Visa is the only card accepted at the Winter Olympics). Fresh from Parliament's brief little recess, Jim will be sporting his new Louis Vuittons when he unveils his new federal balance sheet.

The state of Canada's economy is much better than the one he inherited as Finance Minister in 2006. He and Cowboy Steve had a surplus of more than $13-billion. Cowboy Steve said Canada weathered the storm far better than some countries, and that he and Jim deserve credit for of their "hands off" approach to handling Canada's economy. The surplus is gone, but it is replaced by a record deficit of only $56-billion.

Smilin' Jim is otherwise occupied putting the final touches on the Conservative government's new budget. Flaherty hopes his new budget will do for Canada what his economic stewardship did for Ontario, when he left them a negligible $5.6-billion in debt.

Minister of Justice Rob Nicholson gets tough on crime, names Rahim Jaffer drug czar

2010-02-28T15:28:00.001-05:00

Conservative Justice Minister Rob "Taserman" Nicholson today introduced four-term Conservative MP Rahim Jaffer as Canada's special advisor on drugs. The announcement was made only days before Prime Minister Cowboy Steve's Conservative government pursues their "tough on crime" agenda during the next session of Parliament.

Taserman said "nobody is more aware of drugs, and he'll be looking for them in small-town Canada, Downtown Eastside Vancouver, in correctional institutions, even under buses". The appointment is consistent with the Conservatives' resolute stand on law and order. Jaffer stated he was pleased and honoured to share his knowledge.The former Edmonton-Strathcona MP is married to new Tourism Minister Helena Guergis.

Taserman went on to say his ministry would strive to eliminate the "two Canadas" that has plagued criminal sentencing in recent years. "Everyone is equal under our laws, and our courts must demonstrate that concept" added Taserman.

Drug Czar comes to a neighbourhood near you

Helena Guergis appointed new Minister of Tourism

2010-02-26T22:27:00.000-05:00

Cowboy Steve today appointed Helena Guergis Minister of Tourism. PMO spokesman Dimitri Soudas confirmed that the junior cabinet minister has been named to the position, replacing former minister Rob Moore. Soudas cited the ex-beauty queen's mastery of public relations skills, and the experience gained from traveling the nation in her role as Minister of State.

Cowboy Steve noted that the former Miss Huronia "has been working her ass off for her constituents". The promotion is considered the latest jewel in the crowns of Ottawa's premier power couple, Ms. Guergis and her husband, respected former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer. Reached for comment, Ms. Guergis pledged to be the best goodwill ambassador possible, and that the new job will keep her "away from that shit-hole, Simcoe-Gray".

In an unrelated story, Minister of Transport John Baird announced that travelers on Canadian domestic flights would now be required to remove their tiaras and their boots at airport security.

Conservative Power Couple

Smilin' Jim Flaherty prepares for budget

2010-02-23T11:26:00.002-05:00

Finance Minister Smilin’ Jim is busy with the finishing touches of the upcoming federal budget. It is estimated that his latest fiscal balance sheet will contain very few surprises. Here is a sampling of ten items the experts are anticipating:

Spending money to investigate where all of Canada's money went
New incentives for saving fuel, including gas discounts for tailgaters
Paving the lawn at Parliament Hill, thus saving on landscaping costs
Laying off a whack of unsuspecting people
Barring ambitious immigrants, who could "overenhance" our economy
Cap income tax rate for smart, good-looking people
Raising personal tax exemption for Christian families
Spending on the arts, with grants to street performers and dinner theatre
Issuing tax refunds using Home Depot gift cards instead of cheques
Tax credit for citizens starting their own backyard landfill

Smilin' Jim takes a "hands on" approach deliberating cuts and spending considerations. He said drafting the new budget was a humbling experience. "I still put my socks on one at a time."

Cowboy Steve celebrates Conrad Black History Month

2010-02-21T00:51:00.001-05:00

Cowboy Steve today spoke to the press of the many achievements and contributions of Conrad Black. The PM noted the vital role Conrad Black has played throughout Canadian history.

Cowboy Steve invited Canadians to take part in the festivities and events that honour the former newspaper publisher, author, columnist, and investor during Conrad Black History Month. Spokesman Dimitri Soudas later told the press that Cowboy Steve has long respected the diversity Conrad Black has defined.

Black was born into an impoverished family in Montreal. He is currently a house guest of the US Federal Government in Coleman, Florida approximately 50 miles northwest of Orlando.

Cowboy Steve takes requests from Ignatieff and Layton

2010-02-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

For a man accustomed to wearing hats, today Cowboy Steve is wearing two. There is the hat he wears as Prime Minister, and the hat he wears as a gifted pianist, song stylist and interpreter of contemporary standards. He met with the leaders of NDP and Liberal parties at 24 Sussex Drive, quickly ushering them to his piano.

NDP leader Jack Layton asked Cowboy Steve if he knew "how to eliminate debt without cutting programmes". Cowboy Steve replied "No, but if you could hum a couple of bars". He then jumped into a spirited rendition of "We're in the Money". The Tory boss entertained his guests with several more show tunes until their meeting adjourned.

Cowboy Steve has long dreamed of a career away from Ottawa, saying he would trade the spotlight of public service for the footlights of the Great White Way.

Cowboy Steve: Large and in charge

2010-02-16T10:17:00.003-05:00

Canadians have noticed profound changes during Parliament's prorogation, but none as large as the size of Conservative Party leader Cowboy Steve. Spokesman Dimitri Soudas cites the banquet circuit as the cause, and Cowboy Steve's love of a good cruller. The PMO was quick to blame the rapid weight gain on Michael Ignatieff and the Liberal caucus. "It was a dirty trick to send those pizzas to the PM's hotel room at the Olympic games, and we know who's behind it" added Soudas. Heavy discussions with the PM's chef Oliver Bartsch are scheduled before the House of Commons resumes.

In an unrelated story, Cowboy Steve has filled two vacancies in the Senate with the appointments of Richard Simmons and Jenny Craig.

Girth & Merriment: Cowboy Steve loses sight of his cowboy loafers

Jim Prentice: We will decide what flows downhill

2010-02-11T12:06:00.002-05:00

Environment Minister Jim "Stinky" Prentice today promised to roll up his sleeves to take action on untreated sewage. The minister has promised strict new legislation to limit how much effluent can be dumped in the nation's waterways. Prentice had been queried on responsibility for funding the new programme, but arrived at a solution that wouldn't be onerous to the upcoming federal budget. "Municipalities are responsible for the costs of upgrades to their facilities. They can send the bill to property tax payers."

Honourable "Stinky" Prentice inspects raw sewage up close

Stinky advises Canadians to follow his lead and drink from ecologically friendly plastic bottles. He added that the plastic bottles meet the Conservative Party's stringent new environmental guidelines. Stinky added "The plastic bottles have a rapid biodegradable landfill impact, and the petroleum required for their manufacture would keep the Alberta oil sands busy for years."

Smilin' Jim Flaherty debriefs on Iqaluit summit and pyjama party

2010-02-10T13:06:00.001-05:00

Finance Minister Smilin' Jim hosted an economic summit for his G7 counterparts in the Nunavut capital this past week. Breakfast took up most of the mornings, leaving ample time for recreation. Smilin' Jim led his companions on a tour of the tundra, pointing out various formations of snowdrifts. This was followed by an afternoon of caps games. The evenings were reserved for dinner, practical jokes, and ghost stories. The attendees were particularly amused by Flaherty's dead-on impression of Margaret Thatcher.Smilin' Jim shows his guests to their luxurious accomodations.Flaherty lets one rip, much to the delight of his fellow ministers. Such hijinks helped make the G7 summit a roaring success.

Cowboy Steve here for SureBonder Super Hair Helmet Hold

2010-02-09T12:27:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder how Cowboy Steve's hair looks perfect in every photograph? Want a hairdo as durable as the Easter Island statues? Well, now the secret's out. To get that perfect "hair helmet", try SureBonder Super Hair Hold & Spray Adhesive®.

Lucky enough to have some time off to attend the Olymics? You can enjoy the outdoor events at windy Whistler mountain, knowing that your hair helmet will hold in place perfectly.

Make sure you ask for SureBonder Hair Helmet Hold & Spray Adhesive®. Available at Shoppers Drug Mart and Princess Auto for only $9.99 a can.*

*Caution: Avoid open flame. May present problems with heightened security at some Canadian airports. And for Christ's sake avoid confetti.

Cowboy Steve: I'm not afraid to go to jail

2010-02-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve today answered his critics with defiance and resolve when he said he would rather do time than turn over uncensored documents to Parliament. Cowboy Steve was referring to withholding government documents on the Afghan detainees controversy. He added that his government has tripled funding to Corrections Canada since taking office, therefore making his potential stay in prison "much more comfortable and serene".

Cowboy Steve went on to claim that most opposition members have likely never been imprisoned, and wouldn't understand his stand on the matter.Cowboy Steve with ex-MP and future roommate Rahim Jaffer

John Baird to personally fix Toyotas

2010-02-05T20:15:00.001-05:00

The government today announced that Minister of Transport John Baird has undertaken the task of personally fixing all of the cars affected by Toyota's recent accelerator and brake issues. Baird's newest challenge should come as no surprise to Ontario residents, who recall Baird's post as Minister of Energy and Oil Changes in the former Eves government.

Baird has prepared for the mammoth task by moonlighting as Service Writer at a new car dealership since December 30. "I've had some time on my hands for the past couple of months" The minister cut short the press conference, saying "Toyota moves forward even if you don't want to."

Baird hopes to have all the cars ready by March 3.

Peter Braid kicks ass big time

2010-02-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

Kitchener-Waterloo MP Peter Braid takes on Bob Rae and Paul Dewar, standing his ground and refusing to give in. Contrary to some press reports, he did not start crying. Maybe next time those liberal guys won't be such bastards.

Cowboy Steve receives coveted environmental award

2010-01-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

Cowboy Steve was awarded the honour by The National Environmental Institute, citing his exceptional work recycling former Ontario Conservative MPPs for reuse in his federal government. This past week, Cowboy Steve was lauded for recycling former Ontario member Bob Runciman into the Senate.

"It is an incredible honour to receive such a distinguished award from the Institute, and I congratulate everyone involved for a wonderful job in making the program an unqualified success worthy of national recognition. It is an improvement from the days when we just dumped them in a landfill." Cowboy Steve also mentioned earlier recycling efforts involving former Ontario MPPs Jim Flaherty, John Baird, Tony Clement, David Tilson and Terence Young.

Cowboy Steve concluded, saying "We look forward to more efforts in this area." Political pundits speculated that Mike Harris and Ernie Eves might be given a new lease on life, much like old newsprint.

Cowboy Steve announces plans to euthanize kittens

2010-01-29T17:13:00.000-05:00

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve today announced the Conservative government would begin to euthanize cats and kittens in an effort to rid Canada of its excessive feline population. Critics protested, but Cowboy Steve retorted that Hitler loved small animals, and that he was certainly no Hitler.

"Hello, you've reached Cowboy Steve. I'm out of the office until March 3, 2010."

2010-01-06T11:49:00.001-05:00

Cowboy Steve sending his constituents vacation greetings from exotic Calgary.

Cowboy Steve asks "Which way to Copenhagen?"

2009-11-28T12:52:00.000-05:00

The Prime Minister's Office confirmed that Cowboy Steve will be heading off to next month's United Nations climate change conference in Copenhagen, after learning U.S. President Barack Obama will attend. Cowboy Steve suggested that they carpool, but the White House replied with a curt "No".