People are jumping to conclusions that we're stupid, MP says

Defenders say MP Dean Del Mastro's performance
on CBC-TV could be due to medication

UN urges Canada to allow North Korea and Congo to monitor next election

Congolese security ensures order and access at
polling station. Experts recommend similar strict
measures in Canada to limit election irregularites.

Prime Minister's Nuts are in a Vise over Voter Suppression Scandal, MP says

OTTAWA - The Prime Minister's nutsac is being squeezed in an ever-tightening vise, an NDP member said Sunday afternoon. It was revealed that as many as 34 ridings could be involved in the voter-suppression case.

A spokesman for Lee Valley Tools remarked that while the type of the vise used certainly matters, it will almost certainly render the nuts "out of round".

Prime Minister's balls couldn't survive the 4" 

cast-iron "Thatcher" model, tool expert says

Montréal man calls Vic Toews a "lying sack of shit"

MONTREAL - After watching a televised interview with Public Safety Minister Vic Toews, a Montréal area millwright called the MP a  "lying sack of shit".

In a response from the government, it was revealed that the man's name is Michel Boudreau of 1182 Crescent Street Montréal and his phone number is 514-393-6999. His IP address is 173.246.2.116 and his favourite colour is green. Shoe size is 9 1/2 EEE and his son's middle name is Paul.

Vic Toews A-OK with torture interrogation

The government has directed Canada's spy agency to use information that may have been extracted through torture. Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has told CSIS the government now expects the spy service to use information derived from torture in cases where public safety is at stake.

In related news, a man in police custody in Syria confessed to the murders of Jimmy Hoffa, Leon Trotsky and JFK after his testicles were wired to a car battery. He also admitted to killing the Russian royal family and making crop circles.

Answers to many questions should be forthcoming

Conservative MP wants ruling on definitions of "human being" and "asshat"

OTTAWA - A Conservative Party backbencher has introduced a private member's seeking a study on whether fetuses are "human beings" under Canadian law. The MP also wants to study and "reform" Canada's 400-year-old legal definition of "asshat".

"Do you become a human being at birth? When do some of us become asshats?"

John Baird: Nazis were bad guys

TEL AVIV - Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird implied in a speech that Nazis weren't the great guys some people made them out to be. Mr. Baird claimed that their leader even wrote a book about their philosophies and plans.

Baird is due to leave Israel soon, joining Prime Minister Cowboy Steve in China. A Canadian Foreign Affairs attaché said Canada's chief diplomat has been eagerly looking forward to visiting the many fine porcelain shops. "He's stoked. Wildly enthusiastic about those China shops!"

Prime Minister announces new naval base for London, Ontario

LONDON - Taking the sting out of the recent closure of the Electromotive plant, the Prime Minister announced Friday that London will be the site of the Navy’s new headquarters and largest naval shipyard. London's new military command centre will oversee operations of Canadian Fleet Atlantic, responsible for the operation and readiness of the Atlantic fleet. The Canadian Task Group Centre in London will be the home base for any East Coast deployment of ships to military exercises or operations. The new Ontario base will have the ability to protect Canadian waters while boosting employment in Canada’s shipbuilding sector.

When a local Opposition MP pointed out that London was located on a small unnavigable river 2,000 kilometres from the Atlantic Ocean, the Prime Minister answered "I'm trying to run the country without you extremists standing in the way of progress".

"I want the people of London to know that I'm standing right behind them, and I'll stand behind them 24/7. Well, maybe not when they're standing naked in the shower. That would make everyone feel a little awkward"

Peter MacKay marries singer Madonna

Federal Minister of Defence married American singer and actress Madonna Ciccone in a quiet ceremony over the New Year's weekend. After a whirlwind and clandestine courtship, the couple tied the knot at a Gander, NL fishing camp owned by Rob Crosbie. The newlyweds were whisked away in a Cormorant search-and-rescue helicopter to then board a Canadian Forces Challenger flight to somewhere really expensive and far, far away.

The Minister purportedly felt "like a sturgeon"

Peter MacKay named to Mile High Club

Air Canada has awarded the jet-setting Minister of Defence membership in the prestigious 'Mile High Club'. A staffer said the department was proud that the Minister received the honour from Canada's largest air carrier, and that it was "long overdue".

Ministry insiders later discovered that the award wasn't exactly a part of a loyalty programme, but still  "well-deserved recognition".

The award was accompanied with a bottle of champagne and a cigar